last year.

about a year ago from now, i had left and started life from having been in the worse possible mentally abused relationship ever. and throughout the year i took counseling, which she particularly didn't give a fuck as it was just for the money. ignoring the fact i was in need of counseling, i took my own path to seek myself again. i had lost myself in that year and a half. i turned into someone that didn't believe in dreams, or in good people. everyone that approached me would hurt me in a way. i was angry all the time because i couldn't find happiness. and i had many sleepless nights where i would cry myself to sleep, and ask myself when did it first change? when did i allow myself to lose that essence in dreams. i couldn't even photograph anymore, i couldn't see the beauty. i hated love, and told myself i never wanted to experience love in any way, what i previously had wasn't even love. it became into something that i couldn't control my mind, and listen to the manipulative words because i was weak. i learned to listen to people without hearing what they were actually saying, i learned not to give a fuck about anything. i learned to hide the fact i hated being alone but going out and drinking, and partying all night. i thought to myself, maybe this is happiness. maybe this is why single life sounds better. so i re-evaluated my life. i thought about previous relationships, encounters or people i met. i tried to figure what it is that make people feel happy. what makes me lose myself from the world and dream again? ...my passion for photography? but it's been so dead?
I came across a teacher one day, who admired my work, and from that she gave me my first owned slr. many months went by and my passion slowly came back, and it was noticeable in my work. i thought i was happy, but felt lonely as fuck, yet i refused to want to be with anyone or even accept anyone. because when i fall in love, i really fall deeply in love. and i give 250% or more if i could of myself. and i lose myself, again. but it's usually ok, if the return is equal. towards the end of the year, where i thought to myself, what a lonely year; i met someone. without any intention of falling in love, i fell in love. and usually it's a problem, but it wasn't. i didn't feel scared, because everything sounded possible. and those dreams that any little girl ever dreamed of came back and it felt warm to be reunited with a long-lost dream. and then i realized why i felt lost, because a princess needs a prince. and even a friend said, being in love makes you happy. so my happiness is love.

 fushimi-inari, kyoto - japan.

this water comes straight from the spring, and this means to start something (new). there's never anyone or anything that should stop you from dreaming. and if dreams become other dreams, its just like a spring that develops from a a little stream into many rivers. and finally after time and travel, eventually your dream will be achieved. some just have shorter rivers and get to the ocean faster.